A year ago I posted this, this and this...
Since then my life has been a journey, well I guess it always is, but in this case a journey that has me feeling a lot of emotions. From cutting out things with high fructose corn syrup, to cutting back on sugar and processed foods, trying to gain weight, yet losing weight, it's been challenging.Possibly the hardest part when I really stop and let my mind roam is the putting OUR plans for a baby on hold. I struggled to hold back tears on the night of our church baby dedication. I hold babies that belong to others often and feel a sense of sadness, and longing. I've cried often after conversations that start with "Brixton needs a little brother/sister " or "when are you guys going to have another one." I don't feel like explaining it to everyone. It sucks. It makes me sad. And while I believe the saying, "there is healing in tears," sometimes I just don't want the tears, the questions, the plans that are not MINE.
But ultimately I know God has a plan. What it is I still can't see. Maybe I my body will carry another baby. Maybe not. Maybe we'll adopt. Maybe not. Maybe we'll get involved in foster care. Maybe not. Maybe God wants me to just be happy with the amazing child/family I already have. I don't know.
August 5th will most likely be just another doctor appointment. Part of me doubts anything significant. Part of me wants him to say my body is in remission and that I can stop my infusions. Part of me knows that likely will not happen.
I don't really know that anything will happen at that appointment. There's a good chance my doctor will simply send me from there to another office for blood work and then from there I'll have a follow up appointment. I am hopeful. I do ask if you read this that you pray for me and what the next month brings emotionally and physically.
My next infusion is Friday and while I hope it could be my last, I have to be real with myself that it may not be the last.
3 comments:
Continuing to think about you, Chellie.
Chellie - I am so thankful that the birth of B and the birth of J brought us together! You are on our prayer list until you are in remission. I pray that the next infusion is your last. You are strong, so strong. You have endured so much. I am proud of you.
Getting caught up since we've been on vacation...I do hope and pray that was your last infusion. I love your honesty and realism but leaving room for God to work too! God bless you and your family!
Post a Comment