It's been two weeks. Two LONG weeks. I've thought and thought about what to say. What to blog. To just move on and say nothing. And while I'm still not sure what to say I know that life does go on.
Two weeks ago Nate and I went to the doctor, our 12 week appointment, expecting to see our sweet little baby and hear that precious heartbeat we swear we heard with an at home doppler just days earlier. Minutes after the appointment started we went to get an ultrasound only to find out our baby was dead. Our baby, whose heart we had seen and heard just weeks earlier.
This is the ultrasound from when the baby was alive -- I'll spare you the picture of our dead baby although the image is burned in my mind.
Two weeks ago Nate and I went to the doctor, our 12 week appointment, expecting to see our sweet little baby and hear that precious heartbeat we swear we heard with an at home doppler just days earlier. Minutes after the appointment started we went to get an ultrasound only to find out our baby was dead. Our baby, whose heart we had seen and heard just weeks earlier.
This is the ultrasound from when the baby was alive -- I'll spare you the picture of our dead baby although the image is burned in my mind.
We have had so many people send us messages, cards, even flowers, as well as thoughts and prayers. The truth is it sucks! I struggle with the sadness, telling myself it is not justified, we should have waited to tell, it was still the first trimester after all. Bull! My doctor said it is a lot less common for a baby to pass once you have seen/heard the heart beat. We made it through that first appointment. We should have been in the clear. We weren't.
Our hearts are broken and will be forever to some extent. While I am a lot less sad and the day to day is a lot easier there are moments when I still cry, I still hurt and long to hold that baby.
A friend said it well, it doesn't matter when the loss happens, the moment you know you are pregnant you have put that child through college. The pain is real. The loss is real. No one can minimize it, not even me.
I want to thank those who have been so kind and those who haven't spoken because they don't know what to say.
We lost this baby at the point where so many others are just announcing their own excitement. While I am so happy for them I do hurt for myself.
It was hard to tell B. He is such a sweet kid. He was sad and I think still is, but he's also 4. He randomly says things about it to us and others. Several times he has hugged me and said, "Momma, I'm sorry your baby died." Leaves me speechless. I am glad he knows it's OK to talk about it. We let him paint a picture (his idea) and send a note and balloons to Heaven. Maybe I'll say more about that another time, but for now I need it to just be our moment.
I know some have wondered and others have asked, so here's what I know... Yes, we can try again. Only time will tell if I can get pregnant again. Yes, I had to have a D&C. No, I'm not in any physical pain, except for the damaged nerve in my wrist from where the nurse put my IV. It's sort of a constant reminder of what's happened, unfortunately. My due date was December 19th, according to our ultrasound it was Christmas Day.
I think one of the things which makes this so hard for me is my constant battle with my health. My Crohn's is currently inactive which is why I'm even allowed to try to have a baby. It won't stay that way forever; in fact, it could change tomorrow. Right now, I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm also trying to release my desire to control this entire situation. I like to plan and I don't like when plans change.
Thank you so much for your prayers.
Our hearts are broken and will be forever to some extent. While I am a lot less sad and the day to day is a lot easier there are moments when I still cry, I still hurt and long to hold that baby.
A friend said it well, it doesn't matter when the loss happens, the moment you know you are pregnant you have put that child through college. The pain is real. The loss is real. No one can minimize it, not even me.
I want to thank those who have been so kind and those who haven't spoken because they don't know what to say.
We lost this baby at the point where so many others are just announcing their own excitement. While I am so happy for them I do hurt for myself.
It was hard to tell B. He is such a sweet kid. He was sad and I think still is, but he's also 4. He randomly says things about it to us and others. Several times he has hugged me and said, "Momma, I'm sorry your baby died." Leaves me speechless. I am glad he knows it's OK to talk about it. We let him paint a picture (his idea) and send a note and balloons to Heaven. Maybe I'll say more about that another time, but for now I need it to just be our moment.
I know some have wondered and others have asked, so here's what I know... Yes, we can try again. Only time will tell if I can get pregnant again. Yes, I had to have a D&C. No, I'm not in any physical pain, except for the damaged nerve in my wrist from where the nurse put my IV. It's sort of a constant reminder of what's happened, unfortunately. My due date was December 19th, according to our ultrasound it was Christmas Day.
I think one of the things which makes this so hard for me is my constant battle with my health. My Crohn's is currently inactive which is why I'm even allowed to try to have a baby. It won't stay that way forever; in fact, it could change tomorrow. Right now, I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm also trying to release my desire to control this entire situation. I like to plan and I don't like when plans change.
Thank you so much for your prayers.
9 comments:
We went through a miscarriage before having Charlotte (and we had also heard the heartbeat). Your post says it all. It sucks and isn't fair. I remember crying on our due date… it's hard, but I'm here if you need anything & still lifting you and your family up in prayers.
I hate it that your plans changed, too.
I know that pain all to well. I've had three miscarriages one being at 13.5 weeks. So I know the feeling of hearing/seeing heart beat abd feeling like everything is ok and then being devasted!!!! The pain is always there although it gets easily some days but others it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Even though I have my beautiful children, I still think about those other babies!! I'm hear if you ever need to talk!!
Love you!!
I'm sorry because I'm one of those people who just "don't know what to say." I am still praying for you and thinking of your pain. Here to talk, if needed.
I'm thankful for you. Your willingness to share this will bless others. I'm so sorry this happened and that you didn't get to hold your sweet baby.
I'm sad for you all.
Chellie, I am so very sorry to read this. We lost two before Katie. The pain is real and it is ok. We have two babies in heaven that we know about. God had a purpose for their lives. We have 4 children. And, I know what a ghost birthday feels like. Katie's due date was the same due date as her brother/sister we lost at 7 weeks a year before. Please let me know if you need to talk to someone who has gone through it. I know there are plenty of people at MRCC who have, of course. Praying for you guys as you struggle through the disappointment of not being able to hold your precious baby.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I stop and pray for you often throughout my days and although I know I can say nothing to help, I hope God can give you the peace and hope that only he can. Love you guys.
So sorry.
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