The Fear of Pregnancy

A friend posted this article on Facebook today and it got me thinking. I could related to so much of the fear talked about. I don't typically struggle with anxiety, but this pregnancy has really brought it to the surface for me.

I believe it mostly goes back to my miscarriage last year. Unfortunately, that experience has really set off a lot of emotional trials for me. I was telling Nate last night how I feel like I've been pregnant for the last year and a half. Three months of morning sickness, followed by a miscarriage, followed by months of fertility tracking and medication and ultrasounds, followed by the flu and a pregnancy diagnosis, followed by more sickness, bleeding, cramping and overall fear that the child inside me just may not survive. Fear my body, which has been so sick for so long, will let me down once again. Fear she's getting too big (a week ago she measured 7lbs 6oz and her head was 9cm) for me to have the delivery I want.

It's exhausting! While I'm trying to enjoy the kicks and jabs coming from within my womb and praise God for each little one I am also finding myself fearful of what would happen if she doesn't make it out alive. I know I cannot dwell on that and for the most part I don't, but there are those moments, those tearful, lonely moments where I just beg God for her life.

I am currently 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Everyone says to be patient. She'll come when she's ready. Brixton was born at 34 weeks 6 days. So, I'm now more pregnant than I've ever been. I'm so grateful for the gift of this child, the gift of this experience. I know it is changing me. I know it's making me more compassionate. I know it's making me stronger. But I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to hold this little girl in my arms. To see her face. To watch her grow. To see her big brother and her daddy hold her for the first time. I pray for her life, for her future, for God to hold us all in his hands over the next few days/weeks.
I'm not sure if anyone really still reads this blog, but if you are I ask that you too pray for us all as her birth draws near.