Mother's Day Can Be Tough

Mother's Day is one of those weird holidays. While it's great to be recognized this year I became painfully aware of how hard it must be for some people.

Sunday morning at church Mark got up and read a note about moms, those who long to be moms, those moms who've lost their children and so on.

I woke up Sunday with a deep hurt for a dear friend. Almost one year ago this friend of mine lost her 16 yr old daughter. Suicide. 16. While I've never asked exactly what happened I've been able to figure it out in some ways due to things she says and posts. I made it a point to pray for her and post a note on her wall. I just thought, wow! This day must really suck for some people.

As the day went on I began to think of another gal I know (specifically one although I know several with the same struggle). She has been trying for years to have a baby and has had a handful of miscarriages along the way. Again I thought, this day must suck for her and so many others.

I called my mom on the way to church. She was on the way to see my grandma -- my grandma who lost one of her three daughters to lung cancer a few years back.. for my grandma and my cousins Mother's Day again is not fun.

Then as I sat through church snuggling my precious little guy I felt so blessed. It was after he went to Creation Station that I felt a heaviness again. I so badly would love to have another baby, but who knows what the future holds. I found myself fighting back tears. While I never want to take Brixton for granted I often find myself saying, just hold on until August, just hold on.

August. That's it for me. What I'm holding on to. Who knows what it will bring. August is the month I go back to my doctor. The month I hope that I will find out my body has returned to remission. The month I hope to be at a point where I can get pregnant, or at least try. But then I think, what if that's not God's plan. What if God's plan is not for me to give birth to another baby? What if His plan is for me to be a foster mom or an adoptive mom or just a mom to the one precious gift He's already given me?

I hate what if.

I wish I could let it go, but a part of me longs for another baby. Sometimes I wonder if it's really the baby I crave or something else. Some of this I'm not ready to go into detail about, but I am trying to search myself to see what it is I really am trying to get. Am I just trying to fill some other void. What's my deal? Why can I not sit through a Mother's Day service or a baby dedication without breaking down? I have such an amazing little boy in my life and would not give him up for anything. So, why can't I just cherish him? Why must I long for this other baby that may never come?

I was glad to hear the story about the foster family Phil talked about. In one sense it made me think.. is God trying to use this to tell me that being that type of mom is OK. Truthfully I have always wanted to be a foster parent. I think it's an amazing, selfless opportunity. Maybe now is that time, maybe not. I'm just sort of letting this all out.. maybe this is more of a journal entry, but I just decided to post it. I think a handful of people read this and so if you have read this far I will ask this.. please pray for me about this. I just want to not be holding on so tightly to August because I feel like when I hold so tightly to something so indefinite my hopes get crushed. While that crushing is never a bad thing, but an opportunity for growth, it's not fun. I'm just ready to see what God wants me to learn and how He wants me to use this to further His kingdom.